The Melancholy of Pinkie Pie
by JayToTheMe
Summary: I'll see your Rainbow-Dash-as-Kamina and raise you Pinkie-Pie-as-Haruhi! An alternate universe retelling of my favourite anime to prove that anything can be improved with ponies.


**Disclaimer:** My intellectual property rights include neither My Little Pony Friendship is Magic nor the The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. They do appear to include the first ever fanfiction crossover between the two, however. Yay.

**Rating: K**

* * *

><p>Asking somepony how long they believed in Santa Hooves is, quite frankly, a silly question. Still, if I were pressed for an answer, I would be able to proudly reply that I never believed in him at all. My parents were not neglectful in their attempts to fool me (although never has anypony looked more out of place with that fake white beard than my father), but I must maintain that even as a little filly I was clever enough to be skeptical of some old stallion that only worked one day a year.<p>

That being said, I was well into my adolescence before I recognized that those old mare's tales of aliens, time travelers, ghosts, demons, espers, evil sorcerers or the heroes who fought said evil sorcerers were similarly fake. I suppose on some level I _was_ skeptical, but deep in my heart I wished for nothing more than for an alien, time traveler, ghost, demon, esper, evil sorcerer or the hero that fought them to just pop up and say "Hey!"

Sadly, reality can at times be a harsh mistress. One must admire the laws of physics and magic for their consistency, even if they do spoil one's fun. By the end of my junior school years, however, I had learned the truth of these matters, and by my graduation from Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns I had fully accepted that, as interesting as the supernatural might sound, it was much better to concern myself with understanding reality.

And so it was that, upon orders from none other than Princess Celestia herself to expand my social horizons, I found myself moving to the quaint little hamlet of Ponyville with my faithful baby dragon assistant Spike, where I took up a post as the town librarian, intent on settling in to the comforting monotony of my research. That is, until the day I met Pinkamena Diane Pie.

* * *

><p>Ponyville was, in many ways, the complete opposite of my home in Canterlot. While at times I could become frustrated by the pomp and stuffiness that seemed to converge within the capital like fungi on a tree stump, on those rare occasions when I felt the need for social contact (usually at Princess Celestia's prompting), I could at least find some likeminded pony with which to converse on topics of literature. From the brief conversation I engaged in with the delivery ponies during my trip, however, I learned that the inhabitants of this provincial town to which I had been assigned were somewhat less intellectually inclined. Two of them laughed when I politely asserted that I hoped to see them at the library; they seemed to think I wouldn't have a large patronage. I could even swear that their third comrade, a grey pegasus with a blonde mane, was mentally handicapped. When she dropped her third box of books, I politely questioned one of them about her, but was simply told that this was just the way she was. All in all my first day of residence had left me in a poor mood.<p>

Upon waking up the following morning, my temper was little improved by the finding of a gold-trimmed envelope containing an invitation to some sort of official welcoming ceremony the mayor had apparently seen fit to throw in my honor. As much as I desired to simply close the library's windows and spend the day with my books, I reminded myself that the Princess had sent me here for a reason, and that it wouldn't do to abandon my mission the day after I arrived.

By midday the tedious ceremony was winding down, and I was growing increasingly fatigued by the multitude of ponies that had decided to take it in turns introducing themselves to me. I eventually got a word in edgewise to reply with a carefully thought out, minimal length greeting of my own. Just as I was congratulating myself on the successful completion of this unpleasant-but-necessary task, the ponies in front of me let out a gasp at something to my flank. I turned to examine the source of all the fuss, to find a pink earth pony literally bouncing to take her turn. Having secured my attention, she said the words that would soon change my life forever.

"Hi! My name's Pinkie Pie! I've got no interest in fuddy-duddy, party pooping normal ponies, but if you're something super amazingly cool like an alien, time traveler, slider or esper, you should totally come and have fun with me!"

I couldn't prevent myself from staring. Her wild, poofy pink mane swayed as she hopped into the air again and again, but the determination and glow in her bright blue eyes remained firmly fixated on me, and her teeth shone in what was probably the widest smile I had ever seen. Such was my first impression.

The other ponies around me had fallen into a stunned silence, evidently just as confused by this outrageous exclamation as I was. At the time, I might have been forgiven, after seeing that manic expression, for thinking that this crazy pink pony was joking. I would later learn that when it comes to the subject of fun, Pinkie Pie is always serious.

And that is how we met. Looking back, I am trying with all my will to consider it a coincidence.

* * *

><p>Being confronted by this strange pony's even stranger greeting was entirely too much for me, and so, making a quick excuse about hearing my laundry calling, I beat hoofs back to the relative comfort of my new home. I spent the following day determinedly avoiding all visitors, silently thankful for Ponyville's apparent lack of literary interest. I saw neither mane nor tail of the enigmatic Pinkie Pie, but I would later learn that this was simply the calm before the proverbial storm.<p>

In retrospect I should perhaps have considered asking some of the more innocuous residents of the town about the filly in question's strange behavior, but as I had yet to fully acquaint myself with anyone in particular, I could not bring myself to begin such an unusual conversation. Consequently, when I noticed her bouncing across the town square a few days later, beatific smile seemingly ever-present on her face, I did something I will never forget – I tried to talk to her.

The dominoes of my coming misfortune were beginning to teeter, and I was the one responsible for the first nudge!

"Hello there," I began, smiling politely as I approached her, "Uh, were you being serious about all that stuff you said the other day?"

Pinkie Pie cocked her head to the side, her bright eyes staring right at me with intense curiosity.

"What about the stuff I said?"

"You know, about aliens and such."

"Oooh! Oooh! Are _you_ an alien?"

The sincerity in her expression, and more directly the shine in her teeth, were almost literally blinding.

"Uh, no, I'm not."

"Oh…"

The sudden shift to dejection on her countenance was so heart-wrenching that even I felt moved to pity. Before I could say anything, however, she had begun to trot away, with decidedly less bounce in her stride.

As I was pondering whether or not an apology was warranted, I became aware of several ponies staring at me, apparently greatly interested in my short conversation. The looks on their faces were almost sad, and some nodded to me with sympathy. At first I found this somewhat irritating, but later on I learned that each of those ponies were of previous acquaintance to Pinkie Pie.

My first contact having ended less than favorably, I returned to my policy of avoiding Pinkie Pie, and soon enough I had officially resided in Ponyville for a little over a week. Now, as has been previously noted, I am not the most gregarious of ponies. Determined not to let my reclusive nature deter my from my mission from Princess Celestia, however, I ended up sharing lunch every now and then with a pair of fillies named Lyra and Bon-Bon.

After the initial polite small talk, the conversation turned, as inexorably as the tides, to Pinkie Pie.

"So I heard you tried talking to her?" Bon-Bon asked innocently, to which I nodded the affirmative.

"And she made some weird comments, and you didn't know how to react?"

That's right!

Chewing over her sunflower sandwich, Bon-Bon continued thoughtfully.

"I used to live near Pinkie Pie, so I know how she is, and I should probably warn you," she intoned gravely, evidently starting a speech, "She always does these incredibly confusing things. You were on the receiving end of that famous introduction speech of hers, right?"

About the aliens and so on?

"That's the one;" interjected Lyra, "She's been doing weird stuff as far back as anypony can remember. I suppose, being from Canterlot, you wouldn't have heard of the rock-farm vandalization incident?"

No, what happened?

"It seems a few years after she'd moved away from her family's rock farm, she just showed back up one night without a word and rearranged the rock crop into some huge set of symbols."

Bon-Bon let out a giggle at the memory.

"Yeah, that was so crazy. I saw it first-hand; I was on my way to Fillydelphia to visit my own family when I pass this rock farm crawling with news-ponies. I had to climb a tree to see it clearly, but that didn't help – I still couldn't figure out what the weird shapes were supposed to mean."

I had never heard anything about this.

"It was all over the local papers. 'Vandal Devastates Local Rock Harvest'. She even came right out and admitted it, but wouldn't say why she did it. Some ponies think she was calling a UFO, others say it was magic runes for summoning monsters, or maybe she was trying to open a portal to another world. To this day it remains a mystery."

Somehow, I didn't find it particularly difficult to picture Pinkie Pie endlessly bouncing around a field, rearranging rocks into all hours of the night, that same enormous grin on her face the whole while. Hmm, my imagination may be galloping away with me.

"That's not the only thing she did!"

Bon-Bon continued around her sandwich.

"One morning I came outside and all her furniture was on her lawn, and another time she was hanging these funny little talismans everywhere. I just can't understand that filly at all."

Naturally, Pinkie Pie was neither present for nor nearby during this discussion, but on reflection I doubt she would have cared even if she were. I had noticed that Pinkie often frequented a patisserie by the name of Sugarcube Corner, although I had never seen her eating anything anywhere else in town.

"All the same, she's pretty popular!"

Bon-Bon piped in once again.

"She's friendly, and energetic. As long as she doesn't start up with her crazy talk, she's a lot of fun!"

"Bon-Bon, where did you hear all this gossip?" Lyra asked, pushing her own lunch around her plate.

"Well, there was a period of time when Pinkie was intent on socializing non-stop. She'd abduct people seemingly at random, and insist on dragging them to her place for these crazy parties. Depending on how interesting she found the person, they might have a dozen parties thrown for them for no apparent reason, or sometimes just the one. But eventually they'd all get the same brush-off: 'Sorry, but I don't have time for odinary ponies.'"

Lyra and I both stared intently at Bon-Bon, who's voice seemed to have turned oddly bitter.

"I-I mean, that's just what I heard! Anyway, the point is, whatever interest you have in Pinkie Pie, you're better off just forgetting about her."

I don't recall expressing any particular interest in her.

"If you want to get social," Bon-Bon continued obliviously, "There's really only one pony around here, as far as I'm concerned: Rarity!"

Bon-Bon nodded across the street towards a white unicorn with a stylish purple mane, walking with what could only be described as a group of admirers.

"She's the most glamorous, most fashionable, and most beautiful pony in Ponyville. I've grouped everypony I know into categories, A to D, and make a point to only hang out with A-list ponies."

"And I suppose Rarity is an A, then?" Lyra's question sounded oddly venomous for such a normally well-mannered filly.

"W-well, yeah! Just look at that grace and style!" Bon-Bon replied sheepishly, "She's definitely a AA plus! Er, not that I think she's prettier than _you_, Lyra, it's just that…"

I tuned out the ongoing conversation as I compared this unicorn Rarity to Pinkie Pie. Even ignoring Bon-Bon's odd gushing, it was clear she _was_ very pretty, and carried herself with the sort of serene decorum that would have garnered envy back home in Canterlot. It seems she was also a successful business-mare, single hoofedly managing a fashion emporium named Carousel Boutique. Finally, she was extremely popular around the town, being considered the very soul of generosity by most of Ponyville's residents.

Compared to the crazy randomness of Pinkie Pie, the choice of association seemed elementary. Although, upon consideration, I just couldn't picture Bon-Bon 'hanging out' with either.

* * *

><p>My first month in Ponyville happened to be April, and for its duration, I remained relatively relaxed, and Pinkie Pie remained relatively normal. That said, a few of her eccentricities shone through even then:<p>

Oddity the first: Pinkie's mane would seemingly switch styles instantaneously and at random. One moment it would be wild and curly, the next perfectly straight. There didn't seem to be any discernable pattern to this.

Oddity the second: Pinkie seemed to move around the town at almost unfathomable speeds, and possess boundless energy for an apparently never-ending string of unrelated activities. I would notice her selling confectionary in the marketplace as I opened the library's windows of a morning, only to step outside again a few seconds later to find her several blocks away and having apparently produced a random collection of musical instruments, playing all of them at once in some sort of impromptu musical number.

One thing was made abundantly clear to me: _everypony_ knew Pinkie Pie, and she knew them. By the time May came around, every single pony with whom I had become acquainted had discussed her oddity with me.

As the excitement of a late 'Winter Wrap Up' ceremony drew to a close, I was walking through the town, silently bemoaning the sudden and rapid increase in temperature that the local pegasi had seen fit to grace us with.

"Good morning, Twilight Sparkle!"

I almost jumped in shock at Bon-Bon's voice behind me.

"I didn't see you at Winter Wrap Up." She prodded.

"Spike and I have been researching the life-cycle of the local deciduous plant life."

"How dull! Lyra and I had a great time, you should have been there…"

Twilight Sparkle is my name, by the way, and I apologize if I've failed to mention that thus far. Sometimes I wonder at my parents for giving me such a syllable-intensive moniker, but Spike soon began the trend of shortening it to Twilight. Hmph, I don't really mind, but shouldn't assistants be more formal than that?

Bon-Bon continued to chatter idly as we made our way to the market. As we went our separate ways, I noticed a familiar pink-on-pink figure perusing an apple stall with an unusually intense expression on her face. Hmm, a straight mane day, it seems. Taking a place in line behind her, for a reason I am still unable to recall to this day (excepting, one must hope, temporary insanity), I found myself once again talking to Pinkie Pie.

"So does your mane change like that to disguise yourself from alien invaders?"

Pinkie turned around in an incredibly dramatic fashion and favored me with another curious smile.

"When did you notice?"

I paused a moment to think about this.

"Hmm…a while ago, I suppose."

"Actually I'm not really sure why it changes like that. It's been like that for a while now; it started about three years ago. I don't really mind, though, sometimes it's funny!"

This was rapidly becoming our longest conversation ever!

"But how can your mane just spontaneously change for no reason?"

"Silly, of course there's a reason for it! I just haven't figured out what it is, yet!"

I could not possibly conceive of an appropriate response to this, but while I was struggling vainly to do so, Pinky was giving me a scrutinizing stare.

"Hey, have we met before? Not since you moved to Ponyville I mean, but before then? At a party or something?"

"Not that I recall."

A pony in line behind me told us in no uncertain terms to hurry up and buy apples or get out of the way, and that was that.

* * *

><p>"Why do you do all that singing? You seem to put a lot of effort into it, but it isn't a job or anything, right?"<p>

Ever since that initial encounter, I often found myself speaking to Pinkie Pie when I encountered her around Ponyville. I found that I had to pick conversational topics carefully, however, lest the excitable filly become distracted and bounce off midway through our chat.

"Is it some other Ponyville custom I haven't heard about?" I queried "I'd like to learn about it if so."

"No, it isn't a custom or anything," she answered, "Sometimes I just get the urge to sing. I really like fun stuff, but it's hard to get other ponies interested sometimes."

Miss Pie, from which dictionary did you draw your particular definition of 'fun'?

"Everypony around here is pretty happy, but trying to get them to have actual _fun_ is a lot of work!"

"Well I'm sure everyone has their own ideas of what constitutes fun…" I rejoin.

"No, trust me, I _know_ fun when I see it, and all these regular old ponies do nothing but work work work! If only there was some sort of job or club or something that was all about having fun."

Before I could reply, she let out an excited 'ooooh' and galloped off around a corner, marking the end of today's conversation.

Another day:

"I overheard something interesting a while back. It isn't really important, but what was with all the parties you used to throw for everyone, one at a time?"

"I _love_ parties! I don't see why everypony thought that was so weird. I only stopped because I ran out of interesting reasons to throw parties for anyone."

"So what kind of pony _would_ warrant another party? An alien in disguise, perhaps?"

"Absolutely! Aliens or anything else like that would be soooo cool!"

Not particularly adept at sarcasm detection, then.

"Why does it have to be something unusual, though? What's wrong with just having regular parties with regular ponies?"

"Because that way, it's way more interesting!"

This time I was the one who ended the conversation, by being stunned into silence.

It wasn't like I couldn't empathize with Pinkie's point of view. I can admit that it would certainly be interesting if, say, Lyra turned out to be a reincarnated princess from a kingdom on the moon, or Bon-Bon a secret agent for a shadowy society dedicated to the protection of Equestria, but eventually one must acknowledge that this isn't the case, and accept reality as it is. But apparently Pinkie never got that memo.

* * *

><p>"Twilight Sparkle, I know that you're a very skilled unicorn, but where in Equestria did you learn such a powerful spell?"<p>

A few days later, Bon-Bon had cornered me with a very silly expression on her face, and asked this question out of the blue.

What spell could you be referring to?

"You're the first person to hold Pinkie Pie's attention for more than five minutes in as long as I can remember! What did you talk to her about?"

I don't believe we talked about anything particularly profound…

"You're a very strange pony, Twilight Sparkle." Lyra added, giggling as she trotted up.

Hey, that's uncalled for! You're mistaking me for Pinkie Pie!

"I must say, _I_ am also curious as to your conversations with Pinkie Pie."

This almost regal voice came out of nowhere. I turned around to see Rarity smiling at me.

"I've _tried_ to get Pinkie Pie interested in my creations, but she simply would not come by the boutique! I simply _must_ know how you held her attention, miss Sparkle."

I replied that I had no idea why Pinkie would talk to me to the exclusion of others.

"Well in any case it is quite a relief! The poor dear always seemed so lonely, even when she was throwing those parties of hers. I'm very glad you've made friends with her."

Friend? It seems that I had been making progress on my royal mission without even knowing it. I didn't really understand what defined Pinkie Pie as my friend, or I hers, considering I had spoken to her far less than some other ponies.

"This is wonderful!" Rarity beamed "Now if we have something to say to Pinkie Pie, we may simply pass it on through you!"

Now just wait a minute! I don't recall volunteering for liaison duty!

* * *

><p>Yet another sunny day, and I ran into a very unusually frazzled looking Pinkie Pie in the town square. She seemed to be having periodic spasms of some sort.<p>

"Oooh…" she almost growled in frustration. "Why hasn't something interesting happened yet? I've been asking everywhere if anyone knows of anything unusual going on, but everything is just as normal as ever!"

Now I still didn't have a very clear idea of what Pinkie would consider interesting, other than a vague notion of involvement by aliens, time travelers, sliders and/or espers. At this point I was beginning suspect she didn't have any idea either.

"I don't think you can help it if there isn't," I decided to try to reason her out of her mood, "Listen, we ponies have a stable civilization for very good reasons – because of ponies throughout the ages who have used their special talents to make things this way. Unicorns learned magic, and pegasi learned to control the weather, for example. It's because of the wonderful discoveries of ponies like these that we can live as comfortably as we can, and _avoid_ the sorts of 'interesting things' that are dangerous!"

I was feeling particularly proud of myself for this speech, but to my shock Pinkie Pie stood wide-eyed and gaping. Suddenly she let out an enormous gasp and disappeared before I could ask what was wrong.

All events have a catalyst, a previous link in the long chain of causality. Perhaps this conversation was the trigger? All I know is that I never saw it coming.

* * *

><p>I threw open the library door to learn the source of the insistent and incredibly loud knocking. There at my doorstep stood none other than Pinkie Pie, bearing a smile far larger than any I had seen thus far. I could swear her eyes were glowing with rainbows.<p>

"I've got it!"

Not so loud!

"I can't believe I didn't think of it before!"

Her eyes were shining with the light of a thousand stars, and so I reluctantly forced myself to ask:

What have you thought of?

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create it myself!"

Create what?

"A _club_, you silly filly!"

My head had begun to hurt, and not as a consequence of Pinkie's overly loud knocking.

"Really? What a lovely idea. Can I go now?"

"What's with that frowny frown? Aren't you happy about this?"

"Pinkie…" I gestured around us to the empty silence, its only feature a starlit sky, "It's the middle of the night."

"Oh. Heheh. Sorry. See you tomorrow, then!"

A club, hmm? Wait, and apparently I'm the first member? When was that decided?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

Here's to my first fanfic ever published beyond a select circle of friends. If you had told me a year ago that the fic I would finally see fit to put my proverbial name to would involve My Little Pony, I would have been skeptical to say the least. Anyway, I'm going to be unreasonable and demand sufficient reviews before I decide whether or not I'll continue this, as I have only vague ideas of where I can go with it. For fans of as-yet-undebuted characters, they would obviously form the rest of the SOS Brigade (PIP Brigade? Hmm). Thanks for reading!


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